This will most likely be one of, if not the last post on this blog, for a variety of reasons.

I have realized over the course of the last 20 days (since my last post) that my anger and frustration for losing weight is simply that - anger and frustration for losing weight. It's not anger and frustration for teaching myself better habits, learning to cope with disappointments, rewarding myself for accomplishments, and all together making myself healthier and happier. I've realized I have been going about my journey all wrong, and now it's time for a change.

My journey with Medifast has been a struggle, a constant struggle, but I realize the reasons now. I realize my desire to drop my weight was my only desire. I realize I was never really planning on making a life change. I realize that the idea of "eating out of packets" was a short term fix, and therefore not something I could realistically carry with me for the rest of my life. However, looking to the future I am not afraid of making it to goal. I am not afraid that I won't know how or what to eat, how or when to exercise, how to find balance in my life. I am not afraid of those things. I am very confident in my abilities to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I've always said I use Medifast as a tool, not as the do-all-and-end-all of weight loss.

I have decided the best way for me to stay focused and finish what I've started is to stop sharing my journey. I will continue to share with a small handful of people that are close to me in my life, but to put myself out there on the web as I've been has only given me frustration and hurt. Everyone's journey is different. Everyone has obstacles that others don't have. Everyone has different reasons for how they got where they are. For me, I know who I am, what I want, and how I am going to get there.

Two weeks ago a friend of mine who soon will be moving to Chicago convinced me to run a half marathon with her in July. My first reaction to her suggestion was to laugh: I could NEVER do something like that. Then I sat back and thought, "Well, why not!? I am young, I am healthy, there is no logical reason why I should laugh at a suggestion like that." So, Monday, April 9 I began a 15-week training program to get me ready for the race. I'm two weeks in and I'm already starting to feel better about myself and what I am capable of.

In addition to the marathon I have a handful of other new additions in my life, which I won't reveal, that have helped me realize what I am worth. All along I was convincing myself I was losing weight for the right reasons. I wasn't. I was losing weight because I wanted to be thin and pretty and land a hot guy and enjoy the rest of my 20s like characters in a teen movie. Although all of these reasons will be in my mind and will always be there, my desire now is to simply make myself happy with who I am. Training for this half marathon will make me an athlete, something I have never been. That, coupled with my new love for cooking - from scratch - healthy foods for myself and friends will be something I can carry for the rest of my life.

Am I quitting Medifast? No. It is still going to be a tool I will use to get the rest of the weight off. I have decided that by my birthday (August 16) no matter where I am with weight loss I will quit the program and move to a whole foods approach, something I am very excited for. I am currently in the 150s and am confident I will only move down from here. Who knows, Medifast may get me to my goal by my birthday as I originally intended, but it may not. But either way, I will have found a new happiness. I will be thinner. I will be happier. I will have accomplished things. And I will have done it with the strength and perseverance from within me - not from others.

I know I will reach my goal weight. When I do, maybe I will return to this blog and share the rest of my story. For now, I am focusing on another blog that I hope to use to inspire others to find the inner strength I am in the process of finding for myself in regards to food, health, wellness, fitness, and all other aspects of a truly fulfilling life.

Thank you to the small handful of you who have been reading this blog and sharing your thoughts with me, and best of luck to everyone on their journeys.

So like my last post said, I was crossing my fingers extremely tight in the hopes that when I stepped on the scale Monday I would see a number in the 150s. Well, that was not the case. I got on and still saw 160.4 - I didn't freak out too badly, at least I didn't gain. I have found in the past that sometimes my Tuesday weigh-in gives me a huge drop so I stayed positive and thought it would be the same this time. Nope. Instead I saw 160.6 - again, not freaking out too much, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and whispered, "It will happen tomorrow." And did it? NOPE! Today - 160.4 ... again! Or should I say still? I was pissed. I HATE seeing the same number day in and day out, especially when I'm so close to a new decade.

By the time I got to work I was still steaming. I turned on my computer to find an email from one of our editors saying he had bought Dunkin Donuts for the office. Normally I would have stayed at my desk until the stampede came by and cleared them out, but not today. I went in and grabbed one. Then about a half hour later I grabbed another. Then, another hour or so later, I grabbed the last one in the box. Three donuts in about four hours. What an accomplishment! I should have felt devastated, but honestly... I don't care. My mind set is awful but I'm looking at those donuts as a big "f*%$ you" to whatever the heck is going on inside me right now. If I'm going to be stuck, then I'm going to eat whatever the hell I want!

After about three bites into the third donut I kind of snapped out of my rage. I went on the Dunkin Donuts website and looked up the three donuts I had consumed - a total of about 900 calories. Well, worse things have happened I suppose. I decided to look at today as a jump off course and I'll start fresh tomorrow. Does that mean I'm going to eat like crap the rest of the day? No. I'm actually not going to eat anything else today except a reasonable dinner. I probably won't follow Medifast guidelines for my dinner, but I figure as long as I hit a 400-500 calorie meal I'll be fine. I also decided I'll hit up the gym tonight since I now have some extra calories to burn. After dinner and working out I hope to settle in around 1300 for the day. Not horrible; not Medifast, but hopefully not something that will deter me from moving down.

I'm just irritated at how slow I am moving. It's not like this donut situation is a frequent occurance. I am good, really good, 99.9% of the time. I keep asking myself why it's taking me so long. Even on days when I have a tiny bit of extra protein, or use a little more than two tablespoons of peanut butter, I'm not consuming more than 1100 calories tops! I should still be losing faster than I am. Honestly I'm starting to get fed up. I'm not going to quit or anything like that, but I really need to start seeing some positive things coming my way regarding the scale. Everyone keeps saying, "Well measure or feel it in your cloths." I am currently wearing a pair of jeans that fit me when I moved to Chicago, before I gained my "homesick weight" as I like to call it. And they fit fine. They aren't loose. They aren't starting to be too big. They are fine. Perfect size. What does that mean? That means that I haven't really lost inches either.

Ugh - I need to be done for now because I'm just pissing myself off. I need good numbers - now!