Remember Your Reasons

If you read my last post you know I was going to an audition this past Sunday for a show called Little Women. Well, I did, and I got a call back - not a surprise to me really because 90% of an initial audition is based on your voice, and mine is my strongest suit. The call back was yesterday, and it did NOT go well.

I guess it all started Tuesday night when I was practicing. I was sounding pretty good and decided I wanted to watch myself perform the song so I could critique my movements, facial expressions, etc. Since I don't have a video camera I decided to use the webcam on my laptop, which works just as well. I opened the program, took a step back, and hit record. I felt pretty good throughout the recording. Then, when I sat down to watch the video ... everything changed.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and I don't mean about the performance. I didn't even care about my performance! I was so thrown by this fat girl on my computer screen I couldn't focus on anything else. I literally felt sick to my stomach and wanted to slam my computer screen shut so I didn't have to see it anymore. I was just ... surprised. There's no other word for it. On any given day, I don't FEEL fat. I have my fat days of course where nothing seems to fit right and no matter what I wear I look like crap - and I'd much rather just stay in sweats all day - but for the most part, I don't feel like a fat person. I feel like I have to lose weight, sure, but I'm comfortable and for the most part confident. It's not a thought that crosses my mind every moment of the day. Especially with these few weeks, having lost almost twenty pounds. I FEEL like I've lost weight. I feel lighter, more fluid, and it's great. But then, when I looked at myself in that video, it all just crumbled at my feet. I stopped rehearsing then and there - I just couldn't force myself to continue. I went to bed literally dreading the call back and just hoping that the next 24 hours went by fast. I even considered skipping out on the call back all together. What was the point? They weren't going to cast a fat girl.

Well, I didn't skip out. I went to the call back. But I know I didn't do my best. I was so emotionally drained by the end of the day that my singing suffered because of it. I know my acting wasn't up to par either. I was just ... over it. I didn't even want to be there. I didn't want to stand in front of the casting comity pretending to be perfect for the role when I had an excess 40 pounds just hanging out on my body. I felt disgusting, and I'm sure it came through in my performance. I drove home last night feeling defeated, knowing I had failed myself and my talents because of something I should have solved a long time ago.

And I guess, in a nut shell, there it is. The main reason I want to lose weight. I don't want to feel embarrassed at a call back or any audition for that matter. I want to know walking in that not only am I right for the role vocally, but physically as well. I want to know that if I don't get cast, it was because I just wasn't right for the part, not that my body wouldn't fit into the costumes. Do I miss doing shows? Of course I do, I wouldn't have gone to that audition if I didn't. But I think this whole ordeal has shown me that I need to remember my reasons. I need to realize that I wanted to lose weight BECAUSE of something, not just for the fun of it. I need to be okay with not performing for a little while until I can be comfortable to walk into that room feeling and looking great! I guess all things considered it's a good thing I probably won't get this part - I need to focus on this, I need to finally get it done, so that yesterday is the last time I will feel that way. For good!