As you may have noticed throughout the month of February, my entries have been very few and far between, for a few reasons. This month has been a tough one for me. It was the first time I went home for a weekend since I started this round of Medifast, and it did not go very well. I ate off plan almost the entire weekend, and paid for it with a 1.8 pound gain on my next week's weigh in. It was also the first real period I've had since I've been on plan again this round (due to my birth control, which I've now come off). It was also the start of my work out regimen: 3-4 times a week, 30 minutes to an hour of cardio, 15 to 30 minutes of lifting, 10 minutes in the massage chair, and 10 minutes of tanning - may as well take my gym up on all it offers! Well, because of all of these things, I haven't lost very quickly at all. For almost three weeks I have been stuck at 166/167 and it's driving me crazy. Every morning I step on that scale and see a number that makes me want to pick the thing up and throw it through the wall. It's really killing my mojo, so I've made a decision.
I am not going to stop blogging. I do enjoy having this outlet. But I'm going to stop obsessing. I'm going to enter March with a new philosophy and see if it pays off. I will, HOPEFULLY, only weigh once a week, on Monday mornings. I am going to tell my room mate to hide the scale from me and only bring it out on Sunday nights - I never weigh at night so I won't be tempted to weigh early. I am going to continue to cook from the Medifast Lean and Green Cookbook (I have been stuck on the next recipe because it contains wasabi and I'm having a hard time convincing myself to buy a whole jar just for a tablespoon as I anticipate I'll never touch it again) but I'm not going to stress about how often I cook them - in other words I won't be cooking 2-3 a week anymore. My wallet will certainly appreciate that.
Basically, I am going to attempt to start a new leaf. When I see the number on the scale not mirroring what I want to see I get discouraged and question my commitment. I see other people on the forum with their tickers moving, moving, moving - 1/4 of the way, 1/2 way, 3/4 of the way - and those who reach goal, and I question whether or not I'll ever get there; am I destined to be fat forever? The fact is, I need to stop! I need to stop comparing myself to other people. I need to stop worrying about how fast or slow the scale is moving. Yes, I have goals in mind - and there are events this summer I want to be thin for, but even if I only drop another 20 pounds by them and not my desired 40, I'll still feel and look a hell of a lot better than I do now. I'll still make my family at my cousin's wedding go "Wow, Sam, you look great!" I'll still feel more comfortable in a swimsuit and be able to enjoy the beach without worrying people are looking at me at judging. I'll still find happiness and comfort in myself - and it may even be better, because I'll know there is still more to come!
I can't let March go by as February has. I was holding myself against such a mark that I felt like a failure every day. Losing weight is hard, and it's a struggle. It's not supposed to be easy. But it's not supposed to be THAT hard either. I need to step back, take a breath, and just think about other things. I've been obsessing about Medifast since I started this round. Yes, it was a great way to keep my mind on things and focus, and get back into a groove, but now I think it's becoming more of a hinderance than anything else. It's making me want to give up because I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, so what's the point. I can't think like that, because I still need to get this done!
My Weigh-Ins page is going to be abandoned for a while - maybe only for a week or two, maybe for the entire month of March - I'm not quite sure yet just how long. But I do know that I think it will help me stop obsessing. I need to keep telling myself it's NOT just about the numbers. I need to smile at myself, and not feel so pressured to get this done. It will happen ... one day at a time.
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