New Year, New Life

2012 - man, time really flies. I can remember New Year's Eve 2011 almost like it was yesterday. A group of friends, decked out in their best. Myself in a beautiful, sleeveless black dress, looking and feeling better than I had in years. So good in fact that I met a gorgeous firefighter that night, whom I dated for several months. I was feeling pretty good about myself a year ago.

Why?
I was 40 pounds lighter than I am now.

In September of 2010 I started using Medifast to help myself lose weight, and for the first time ever I found something that actually worked! Within three months I dropped to the lowest weight I'd ever been in my adult life. For the first time in a long time I felt beautiful, happy, and proud of who I was. My confidence was through the roof and one by one things started going my way. As mentioned, I started a new relationship with a firefighter named Jesse. I landed a new, full-time job that paid well and offered me actual career opportunities. I even got cast as Maureen in Rent, one of my dream roles of all time. Things were going great! And so slowly I started backing off from Medifast. I guess subconsciously I figured I didn't need it anymore, that I could do the rest myself.

I was wrong. Within a matter of months I had put all the weight I had lost with the program back on, and then some. I didn't even realize I had done it until it was too late. I had lost control, and by summer I had lost everything I had gained. My relationship with Jesse was over. My job, which at one time seemed to offer endless possibilities, only offered stress and misery - eventually leading towards my termination. My role as Maureen had ended and although I was able to land several other roles that I'd wanted for years, I knew my prospects were limited due to my body type. If I wanted to continue down the road of performance, I would only get lucky so many times before my luck would run out and people would realize my limitations. I slowly slipped into a fog; a depression that would last up until a major change was made.

And a major change I got. In October 2011 I moved in with my good friend Andrea, whom I've known since high school, and her room mate Moise, a friend of hers from undergrad. Andrea had moved to Chicago after high school and has been ever since, and the entire time she and I had always talked about my moving in with her once I was done with school in Michigan. My degree came and went, and still no move. Then one day I woke up and decided if I was going to make this change, I needed to do it now. So, I did. I became an official resident of Chicago, Illinois on October 31, 2011. Once settled in, it was time to get my bearings - a job, a group of friends, a circle of performing connections. But it was harder than I thought. A job was the first step and it was taking much longer than I expected. For two months I did nothing but sit around the apartment, alone, while Andrea and Moise (both of whom are in grad school) were in class. I'd lay around watching TV, devoid of social interaction, and did nothing but eat. The convenience of living in the city is also the curse - right next door to my apartment is a Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robins and a Little Caesar's, both of which I frequented more than I'd like to admit. As time passed, pounds piled. I could feel myself gaining but didn't care. The funk I was in controlled me so completely I honestly don't think even topping out 200 pounds would have snapped me out of it. I was in major trouble.

Then, a breakthrough. A job! A good one - easy work for great pay in a casual office. Perfect! All of a sudden there was a light at the end of the tunnel and I could feel myself breaking out of my funk. But my depression had altered my appearance so drastically I knew a simple diet wouldn't be enough. I'd have to recommit to Medifast. But when?

By this point it was December. Christmas was right around the corner, which meant a road trip home for the holidays, family meals, and snacking while catching up with friends and relatives. After that, New Years, which meant mass amounts of alcohol, late night junk food, and no desire to stick to a diet plan. So, I decided the only thing to do to keep me sane was to wait until the new year. January 2, 2012 to be exact. The first would be too difficult, what with battling a hang-over; plus, the option to start not only a new week, but a new month, AND a new year, all in one day was almost too good to be true. In other words, it was the perfect time to start.

And now it's tomorrow, and I can't wait. I'm so tired of being fat. So tired of knowing that no matter what I wear or how I think I look, it isn't good enough. So tired of feeling invisible, or too visible. I know what my potential is, and I'm so tired of knowing that I will never reach half the things I could if I just lost weight. Enough is enough! This time I'm finally finishing what I started. I'm finally going to reach a point where I can look at myself and love what I see. No more games, no more waiting. Tomorrow is the perfect time to start - and so I am. It's time for me to show myself I can do this ... easy as 1-2-3.